I'm Doing Just Fine

The mental and emotional rollercoaster that comes along with life’s many changes or disruptions can sometimes weigh one down. I heard Bishop Jakes say “life is a mystery. If you take away the mystery and uncertainty you would not need faith or creativity”. Creativity is birthed out of a space of uncertainty. So let's CREATE!

During this time, I’ve experienced a rollercoaster of many emotions and feelings since learning of my furlough. Hearing from many of my colleagues and industry friends, I’m not the only one. Having a space or outlet to release these feelings has been one of the most therapeutic ways to manage my day-to-day sanity. I know at times I sometimes feel like I’m one of the children of Israel wondering in the wilderness. However, I know that God still provides for me in this season of wilderness.

As we venture into the middle of May, I look back over the past month and a half to review my emotional, mental and personal state I start to have some realizations. 1 – I’m doing fine! Even as my current life is experiencing a major detour from how the beginning of the year started, I’m still doing fine. Fine is how I can best describe it. Typically, I’m not the one who enjoys handouts or seek help when needed, but I have this good/bad trait that I power through and try and figure it out myself. Sometimes that is not the healthy and sane way to figure out a problem.

2 - I’m doing fine. Yes, because I’m learning many new things about myself. Being closed in a home with 2 best friends that hold me to some hard truths about myself has been sometimes difficult to hear but therapeutic. When living on my own in my own space I could easily shelter myself from some of the hard truths about who I am. We have “bro time” a lot during quarantine as we like to call it and the conversations have explored many topics, feelings, mindsets, and everything in between. At first, I would shy away from some of the conversations because it would be hard to hear how you make people feel or how you show up or react to certain things at times. I have this mantra my friends know I love to say, let grown folks be grown. I’ve sometimes weaponized this thinking to defend some of my actions when dealing with my friends or just moving in the world. Learning that I can sometimes be dismissive of people’s feelings or I don’t always give my full attention when someone is talking to me can cause one to feel they don’t matter or what they are saying isn’t important. I can also have this complex that I’m a bit above some things. I can also give the impression that I’m not dealing with or have the same “thoughts” or experiences to try and keep the “good boy” image. I’m thankful for the boys for holding me accountable to these truths during this time. There is nothing like self-evaluation once the veil is lifted from your friends.

3 – I’m doing fine. My finances have improved immensely. I’ve paid off a couple of things that had me stressed pre-covid-19. Plans have been put to paper that I’m following, and I’ve made some tough decisions in the past month. These are all things that I don’t think I would have thought about had I not been forced to sit still and focus on me. A recalibration of my finances was needed.

Doing just fine during this unprecedented moment can mean a lot of different things for each of us. Also, this emotion has levels to it. Almost like its some type of rollercoaster ride. This past week was one where I felt the most sadness, but I knew I was fine. Not sure if that makes any sense but let me try and make some sense of it. There were a few days that the watercooler talk was more pessimistic and not so positive. I know as an industry we are the hardest hit seen to-date. Many of us are furloughed or our jobs have been eliminated or the future is very uncertain. It’s a lot of emotional package to carry especially when thinking about how one will provide for themselves and or their families. My emotional drought of feeling uplifted was coming from that perspective of not being able to provide for myself. I know I have a massive family network and friend circle that will always be there to help me out. It was more from a space of being afraid for what would happen to the job I have and have worked for so many years to get. The idea of potentially starting over with a new company or even a new industry frightened the hell out of me. There were a few nights that I slept very little. My brain would not rest as it painted many varying visions of what was to come. I started to remind myself that none of those possible outcomes were within my control. I reminded myself that I am Fine.

This reminded me of when this all started to happen, and I got the call. I had to keep telling myself that #thistooshallpass. Another one that has gotten me through some moments was the saying “I can only control the things within my power and the things I cannot I have to release it”. No need to stress, worry or agonize over things that you have no say or power over. Choose to focus on the things that are within your power and make, see and believe the change in front of you. I choose to tap into a long-time dream or vision I’ve had and that is too write. Hell, I told myself many of times that I wasn’t smart enough or that my vocabulary wasn’t writer level. I gave myself many excuses that enabled my insecurities to take over. Allowing this to happen buried this dream instead of living for my destiny. Many things that freighted me when it came time to elevate or too nurture my future dreams, I would talk myself out of it or used the “I’m too busy because of work excuse”. Mostly fear of failure or looking like an idiot drove a lot of it. This blog has really given me the space I needed to share more of myself but also a much-needed kick in the ass to step out and go after some of these dreams and visions in my head. What are you doing with this time? What self-analysis have you taken of yourself? What dreams and visions are you birthing during this moment of creative space? Let’s come out of this with some fresh ideas and a renewed energy to tackle our dreams without the grip of fear.